Poetry

I am not that good at expressing myself vocally. I have always been able to think of what I have wanted to say but when I try to say what I want to say, it doesn't come out the way I had it in my mind. That is part of the reason why I have always written in my journal because I am getting things off of my chest and mind. Another thing that has really helped me the last several years has been writing poetry. The poetry has helped me even more because I was really able to express what I wanted to say in a different form than writing in my journal. When I was attending Snow College there was the Snow College Literary Magazine competition and I thought that I would enter some of my poetry in the competition. I entered two of my poems not expecting to win or become an honorary mention. One of my poems was published in the magazine as an honorary mention. That poem is called Pain. I never really thought that I would ever have any of my poems published. Then I had this poem published. I am excited that I actually had a poem published. This is the poem that I have written.

Pain

The pain is all inside
Nothing I do will make it disappear
Friends are laughing and talking all around me
No one notices the scratches and burns on my arms and hands
I go to my room and shut the door.
I am all alone with matches and a pin
A natch scratching across a rough surface
It bursting into a flame
The pin being heated up by the flickering flame
The hot pin pressed against my arms and hands
Pain searing through my body
No sound comes out of my mouth
but my face shows the pain I am feeling
The pain that I feel from the burns is only there for a few seconds
But the pain around my heart is always there
It never leaves me
At times I just want to cry out and let people know how much pain I am feeling
I am tired of feeling the emotional and physical pain

Solid Rock Cafe

In Ephraim there is a place that I have thoroughly enjoyed going to the last several years I have been living here. The Solid Rock Cafe. The first semester that I was going to Snow College, I had only gone to the Cafe once, but the following year I made several more trips to the Cafe. The Solid Rock Cafe is run by the local Christian Church, The Church of the Bible. Chip and Jamie are the ones who are in charge of the Cafe. I have become good friends with Jamie and with some of the other people who are at the Solid Rock Cafe. They all know that I am LDS. At least I think that all of them know that I am LDS. I don't feel threatened by them at all. Actually to me, Jamie and Chip have become like a second family to me. Not once have they tried to "convert " me and not once have I tried to "convert" them to join my church. I have had good conversations about religion and the gospel. I have been able to see what it is like to be a part of another religion. They have invited me to a lot of their activities. I think that they have invited me to a lot of their activities in hopes that they would convert me and become a "born again christian" but it hasn't happened. Jamie has become a good friend of mine. She has been there when I have needed someone. Solid Rock Cafe has been a safe haven for me when I needed a break from my roommates, apartment environment, and from my other friends. They have become a second family. They have accepted me with open arms and I have accepted them. Religion is just one part of someone.

Angels and Airwaves - The Adventure

Dirty Dancing

One movie that I have been watching a lot the past couple of months is the movie "Dirty Dancing." When I was younger and I saw the movie I wasn't really sure what one of the characters had done in the movie. Penny had gotten pregnant and she had an abortion during the movie. I didn't really comprehend at first what had gone on but as I had gotten older I finally realized that Penny had an abortion.

Ever since I had realized about what had happened in the movie I have been thinking about abortion. I am wondering why would a person want to have an abortion. I am understand that if a woman has an abortion when it is effecting the health of the woman and or child and one or both would die. But when the child and the mother are both healthy then that is a totally different story. There are other options than having an abortion. 22% of all pregnancies (excluding miscarriages) end in abortion. I think that is 22% too many abortions. Like I said before there other options than killing an innocent child. I have seen pictures of aborted children. What is most devastating is that some those pictures are of almost full term babies. Women had to have been carrying those babies for several months before they had the abortion. After seeing those pictures I don't understand what is going on in peoples minds when they are at an abortion clinic. They are killing innocent people who are not able to speak up for themselves.

There are couples who are not able to have children or cannot have any more children and would love to adopt. Hypothetically speaking if I was ever in the position where I was having a child outside of wedlock and/or I could not afford to support myself and the baby, I would give my child up for adoption. I would be at peace because I would know that my child is growing up with loving parents who couldn't have children but wanted to have a family.

Church

After two and a half months one of the bishopric finally called and left a message saying that they miss seeing me at church. It has taken them 45 days before they had even thought and acted on that thought to contact me. It was the Bishop who called and left the message. At least I know that the Bishopric are thinking about me. It would have been nice if the Relief Society Presidency or my visiting teachers should have made the first move and yet they haven't made a move of contacting me. But maybe I should get over that and be the first to make the move and go to Relief Society and to church.

I think that part of the reason why I am not going to church right now is because I am trying to figure out what I believe and if I even believe anything. I mean I believe that there is a God out there. I belong to the Church of the Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have grown up in the LDS Church. I have always been taught that the LDS Church is the one true church. Usually people who are in the church have gone through some doubts when they are in their teenage years. I am in my early 20's. I am trying to figure out what I believe. I do know that people can have their beliefs and believe in God but they don't need to go to church every Sunday. Maybe I am at the point in my life where I have my beliefs and I have no desire to go to church. When I am ready to go back to church maybe I will. Maybe I won't. I just need to figure out what my beliefs are and I need to figure out who I am.

I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. I am tired of being here in Ephraim. I have some friends here in Ephraim but we rarely do anything together. In fact the last time I had got together with any friends was near the beginning of January and that was because my friend Kari and come down to visit for the weekend. That was a month and a half ago. I rarely talk to any of my friends that are living down here in Ephraim. I am tired of only associating with people that I work with and my two roommates. Living in Ephraim now was not the way that I had pictured in my head. I thought that it would be the same as it was before when I was going to school here. For some reason I thought that it would be the same but I was proven wrong. I mean it has been a good experience. I have learned that you may build something good in your head and you may think that it will be what you have built in your head. Sometimes that idea can be right. Other times that idea could be wrong. I had built up the idea so high that when I got here and was here for a month or two I realized my idea was wrong. I had actually wanted to live here in Ephraim and have a good life. Now I am living here and I don't want to be here. I actually go home every other weekend. I don't go to church here. None of the people in the ward have even tried to contact me. If no one is going to try to get in contact with me from the ward then why should I even go church where no one really cares? Church is a topic for another day. I have withdrawn into myself. I finally have let one of my roommates get to know me a little bit better. It has taken quite some time for me to let myself be shown and it is just a little bit. Just think that by the time I leave to go to Wyoming my roommates will know me more than they did when I first moved into the apartment. My thoughts are all over tonight. I have so much more to write about tonight but I don't want my first blog post to be long so this is where I am quitting. There will be more later on.